remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
