Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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