ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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