My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
