it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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