I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
