Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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