I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
