i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
