I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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