new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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