3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
