Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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