Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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