Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize