I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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