I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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