I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
