I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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