I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
