Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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