dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
