Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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