She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
