the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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