eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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