why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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