Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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