bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
