"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
