I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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