I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize