Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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