her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
