Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
