So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
