if i can run in heels then i can drive
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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