I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
