I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
