My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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