Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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