fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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