dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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