epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
