I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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