My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
