How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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