Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
