God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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