So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
