garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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