Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize