She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize