I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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