I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
