A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
