woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
