Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
