that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
