I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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