Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
