he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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