Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
