Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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