I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize